Airing Dirty Laundry

for all the world wide web to see

The post without a title January 21, 2010

Filed under: me being a whiney brat,random ramblings,secrets — airingdirtylaundry @ 11:00 am

I’m just going to start typing and see where this post ends up.

But just a little forewarning, it’s not going to be pretty.

For weeks now, I’ve been feeling like there’s something . . .wrong. I’m not sure that I can do it justice by trying to explain it. I just feel . . .unhappy. And I don’t know why.

I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful child, and a (at least I hope) secure job. What do I really have to complain about? Why do I feel this way?

It’s almost like I’m going through the motions. I get up at 5:00, spend an hour on the treadmill or elliptical, shower, get Maggie up and dressed, get ready for work, eat breakfast, and head out the door. After work, I come home, throw a load of laundry in, play with Maggie for 45 minutes or so, put her to bed, then Mike and I make dinner, clean up, wash that day’s bottles and make them for the next day, pack my lunch, and then either fold laundry or pay bills or clean or whatever until I collapse into bed. Just to get up and do it all over again the next day. And the next day.

As regimented as I am (or try to be) about certain things, maybe I’m struggling with such a predictable routine. Maybe this is too much of a routine. All the spontaneity is gone. Mike and I can’t go out to dinner during the week because Maggie goes to bed so early and there’s not enough time (and we don’t DARE keep her up later than she wants to be—we’ve made that mistake before). And I really don’t even want to go out to dinner, because what fun is it to sit in a restaurant when I could be rolling around on the floor with Maggie at home? There are times when I run errands after work, but then I feel guilty because that cuts into the little amount of time I have with Maggie. So I feel like I’m never home, but yet I feel housebound at the same time. It used to be on the drive home from work, I’d wonder what we were going to do that night. Now, I don’t have to wonder. I know. Down to the minute.

I find myself crying at the drop of a hat, over stupid things. Like, REALLY stupid things. Things that I’m too embarrassed to write about. I struggled a little with crying jags after Maggie was born—the hormonal kind. But these are different. Where I was once more likely to laugh at something, now I’m more likely to be upset at it. It’s like all of the humor has been leeched out of me. I’m just getting through each day and onto the next.

Maybe this will all change once spring comes. Already there’s a little daylight left when I leave work each day, and I know it’s just a matter of time before the sun will be shining brightly and the flowers will be in bloom. Maybe that’s all it will take.

But in the meantime, do I just continue on through the next month. Two? What if I don’t feel better once the weather’s a little nicer?

I’ve also been struggling with panic attacks, or at least what I think are panic attacks. I all of a sudden feel helpless and claustrophobic. Like the walls are closing in on me but I’m too frozen to escape. Trapped. I break out into a cold sweat, get dizzy, and then a minute or two later, I’m fine. And every time I have one, I think it’s the last one. That they’ll go away. And then I have another one.

So I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m not asking for help, or advice, or anything. I’m just . . .venting I guess. And hoping I come back to read this in a few weeks or a month and laugh about how silly I was.

And I’m not going to go back and re-read this now. I’m just going to hit “publish”.


10 Responses to “The post without a title”

  1. K Says:

    Hi Shawna- its very brave to express yourself so honestly. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. It’s a horrible place to be when your heart and your head are in different places. Your life has changed in a big way, for you and me, we did not have children for some time so we have a routine and a way of living that we’re used to with our spouses and so as joyful as a cihld is the change is huge and changes our world upside down. The weather also does not help.

    It sounds to me, and I’m no doctor, but that you might having a bit of post-partum depression. It can hit later on and just because you didn’t have it much in the start doesnt’ mean it can’t come by later.

    Can you talk to your OB about this? Maybe get a referral to talk to someone? There is no need to force yourself to stay feeling this way if there are avenues that can help you feel ebtter


  2. Michele Says:

    My darling Shawna,

    Talk to your doctor, just like K says, this sounds like post-partum and it can show up within 18 months of having a baby.

    By writing and acknowledging your feelings, is helpful in recognizing that something is ‘not right’ when you know yourself so well.

    Call the doctor and start looking up some post-partum groups…they are everywhere…and a great source of getting your emotional balance back during this time period.

    Remember, this is temporary and there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there have been great leaps in assisting Moms during this time.

    The only other alternative…pack you and that squeezable Miss Maggie and come spend some time in the desert sunshine…you know how much fun it is to look forward to that!!! I got boys who are fabulous babysitters while we’re at the Spa!

    Get yourself a massage sometime in that routine you got going…you know that helps in the whole being of you too.

    Big huggles to you honey!

  3. Brandie Says:

    I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling out of sorts. Venting is good…it helps! I hope things get better for you, soon!!

  4. Holli Says:

    This completely sounds like post-partum to me. And the anxiety follows right along with post-partum. The hormones you had in you for months and months while pregnant are very very powerful hormones….. and when they leave….. you can really get off kilter. Talk to the doctor….. they can help. This is completely normal but no fun and once you gets some meds into you they will help you get over the hump of not having those hormones in you anymore and it will even you out so that you can get back to being YOU. You won’t have to be on them forever…. my friend just went through this. She was ever so grateful she talked to the doctor about it. I’m thinking of you and I’m glad you wrote this and got this out there……..

  5. Therese Says:

    As someone who suffers from clinical depression, and has had issues with post-partum, that is definitely what it sounds like. Go see your doctor. it will help! {{{HUGS}}} Email or call if you want to talk!

  6. Oh Shawna, you are a very smart woman and you just did one of the hardest things. You admitted something is not right. Sending lots of huge your way. As others have said, it really does sound like post-partum. Please talk with Mike and go to a professional to help you to feel better. Having a child enter your world is a huge adjustment and not easy for adults. At times the world seems like it is upside down. Call your doctor and go talk there about options. If you need to vent let me know I can always give you a call.

  7. Mack Dicosmo Says:

    I’ve personally dealt with panic anxiety problems my whole life. It started when I was just a child and I’ve had to deal with them since then. I finally found a solution that has helped me get them done once and for all. I will tell you that it wasn’t quick or easy, but after a while I was able to finally get rid of them. I’m no longer dealing with them and its like I’ve started a new life not having panic attacks. I also saw a Dr. Oz special a few days ago, sometimes it isn’t a panic attack that is the root of the problem, I’d also recommend talking to your doctor. I wish you the best!

  8. Sydney Says:

    As everyone else has said, these signs seem to point to post-partum depression. And admitting that something isn’t right is a huge hurdle that you’ve managed to cross. Call your doctor and tell him/her exactly what you’ve posted here. There is help available in a number of options… and you will get through this!

  9. I hopw you get through this bout of PPD soon, Shawna! Please take care and know that tons of people care about you and your family.

  10. Elizabeth Dziura Says:

    the truth is, this is life on life’s terms.
    and it seems, is, boring, mundane, redundant, in spite of the wonderful husband, child, overall ‘fine-ness’

    but this time, these moments, are over before you know it.
    and not in the next weeks, or months, but in a couple years, you will look back and yearn for these days.

    it is hard. it is anxiety producing. absolutely.
    that’s why meds do help.
    but laughing. keeping a sense of humor, laugh at the absurdity and beauty and poignancy. revel and savor it. vent incessantly to your girlfriends. rally some energy to make mad, wild love to your husband. vent on him (he’ll love it)

    you are not alone. we who have gone thru, are going thru it. feel the same exact way.
    but enjoy.

    bibi inkie @ the tale of bibi inkie / wordpress

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